I am trying to listen to John's ideas on meeting new people. Specifically men, but I am working on how I meet anyone. I know I have issues truly listening to people and I am working on what my friend Jeremiah calls "being fully present" in my conversations. With a bunch of first time guests at LATR it was a good day to try new things.
I found my self having to mentally fight off the "what do you do?" question and quickly replace it with alternatives.
One of the first people I met today was visibly taken aback with my opening question. Once we got the names on the table I opened with.... drum roll please...
"What is your favorite thing to do?"
From this I learned a bunch about their love for traveling, an upcoming trip to Italy, previous trips and other related stuff. I still couldn't tell you what they do for a job. It was interesting how much I learned in a few short minutes about WHO this person is without ever asking WHAT they do.
I love this.
Learning to know people.
I think this may be directly tied to truly loving people.
More on that later.
6 comments:
brilliant...
OK, I guess I am your old school reader. Just because you ask someone WHAT they do does not mean we can't ask who they are or what they enjoy doing. I would suggest "our" typical what do you do question is the door opener. The door that comfortably allows you to get more personal. In addition I would disagree with the whole premise of why this question is asked. I know I ask the question sure because its easy but more often to see what I may have in common. When getting to know someone it is easier to continue the conversation once you find something in common. Anyway that is my 2 cents worth of old school thinking. :)
Cool to hear you actually tried out this new line of "guy conversation opener" questions on Easter Sunday. I'm going to try this myself next time I meet someone new and we start to converse.
I want to reiterate to Steve that this is mainly about gender differences, not the right or wrong way to start a conversation. I never realized how many guys use the "What do you do for a living?" question until my wife pointed out that women almost NEVER ask each other this when they first meet.
There's nothing with asking another guy what they do, but it seems like there are better, more interesting conversation openers, even without getting personal.
Yes, you can start off with the work question and then follow up with something better. But I know a lot of guys who don't want to be categorized based on what they happen to do for a living. Talking about work can be more of a conversation killer than a conversation starter for some guys.
Thanks for the clarification John. Steve is right that finding common ground or similar interests makes a conversation so much more natural. But I have also found that if I resist the desire to talk about myself and ask more questions, the need for common ground is less important. I openly admit I am not very good at this. That is why this discussion is so interesting to me. I believe that if I can suppress my desire to make an impression and let the impression be made on me the long term outcome is much better. The relationship becomes less about how it makes me feel and more about loving people. Uh Oh, thats an entire series of posts right there.
Let me leave it at this...it is all theories right now, I am trying new things.
Is finding common ground lead you to talk more about yourself or does it give you a greater knowledge/interest base to ask further/deeper questions? Regardless personally I would rather ask more questions anyway, cause I am more apt not to reveal too much about myself to people I don't know very well.
It may come down to personality. If our tendency is to focus on self then it may not matter what the question is. Also, if we tend to focus on others, I think that will come through as well.
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